31-year old actress-director-producer-Mars One candidate-environmentalist One Nude Wonder Sue Ann Pien [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9][10] (Brief Breasts), Tracey Fairaway, Devon Sorvari, Adel Marie Ruiz [1][2] & Camelia Dee in Hellraiser: Revelations (2011) [1]
Actingās been my calling from a super young age ā because it allows me to dive in and explore all aspects of humanity, some that Iām not allowed to do IRL. I actually like those roles best ā the scary, strange, upsetting parts that also lend realness to what we experience in human living. My philosophy on exploration actually goes beyond just what I do as an actor ā it also goes into my choices in life.

As a Mars One 100 candidate, she is actively involved in outreach work with the general public and schools regarding the colonization of Mars. Besides her personal passion for space, sheās an avid environmentalist. As a lifelong rock climber (first climbing Rai Ley Beach in Thailand in 2001), sheās looking forward to marking Yosemite off her climbing bucket list in 2017.
She enjoys filmmaking as a hobby. Most of all, she’s grateful for the support of her singer-songwriter wife Cynthia Catania.
Bruin Sue Ann Pien Hopes to Reach the Final Frontier
The rock climber nailed the first big hurdle toward a one-way trip to Mars.

In an empty field surrounded by boulders, Sue Ann Pien ā04 sits, holding a camera with one hand. She tells the camera her name in English and then repeats it in Mandarin and Spanish āI am in Joshua Tree right now,ā she continues, ābecause I always thought this looks like Mars.ā She lifts the camera above her head and records the surreal wilderness of the Mojave Desert.
A part-time actress, Pien is no stranger to the camera, but this video is for her application for Mars One, a nonprofit organization founded by Dutch entrepreneur and engineer, Bas Lansdorp, hoping to initiate human settlement on Mars by 2024. Unlike other applicants who recorded themselves in their living rooms, Pien, a rock climber, tried a more rugged background. Turns out her shot for the extraordinary was rewardedāshe was among the 1,058 applicants (out of 20,000) chosen to advance to round two of the astronaut selection.
Over the next two years, through three additional rounds, six teams of four will be selected and then the first group will launch into space for a 210-day flight to Mars. According to Mars One, the ideal astronaut possesses āemotional and psychological stability, supported by personal drive and motivation.ā The training takes ten years, and the expedition offers only a one-way ticket.
The 34-year-old Pien remains committed and enthusiastic:
How did you decide to apply?
Without a second of consideration I ran home and started my application right away.
How are your family and friends reacting?
They are 100 percent supportive, probably because they know what Iāve done already, like Iāve lived on a 27-foot sailboat with my friends and traveled around the world. So they are used to my adventurous lifestyle, but a lot of my friends are like, āWhoa, this is a really big deal.’ Weāve been having a lot of intimate talks about it. I feel like we are cherishing the moments we have together in a sweeter way. When you think about someone not being here anymore, you take more time to connect–sharing love and being more gentle and kind with each other.
This trip to Mars has now become a global project. People around the world are responding in awe.
Itās no different than when Christopher Columbus set sail and everyone thought the world was flat. People who really love space, like Stephen Hawking and Carl Sagan, already know that for civilization to survive, we have to become spacefaring. We already have issues that are clogging up, like over-population, the destruction of the environment and a lot of species of animals disappearing.
Did your college experience help shape your perspective about the final frontier?
UCLA expanded my horizon to what was possible in the world. I studied International Development Studies. I learned why development doesnāt work in a profit system. I studied the economy, and became trilingual. I joined the UCLA sailing crew.
How have you been preparing for the next round?
I enrolled in an astrobiology course because if I get chosen to go to Mars One, I want to study life abroad. Iāve kept myself in amazing shape by being a rock climber for the last ten years and I have a personal passion for all things space, science, and sci-fi.
What will you miss most about Earth?
The beach, the sunābesides the obvious, like my friends, family and my girlfriend. I love nature and wildlife. Thereās so much beauty here and I want people to think about preserving it.
Whatās in the near future for Sue Ann Pien?
I passed my medical test so Iām pre-approved. Iāll be interviewed by a selection committee that will choose who goes on to round 3.
Iām willing to die on Mars, and my girlfriend is pissed
A trip to Mars.
The only catch? Itās a one-way ticket.
āCitizen Marsā (premiering Tuesday on AOLās Engadget) centers on the nonprofit Mars One, which, two years ago, announced a controversial plan to send a manned mission to colonize the Red Planet by 2027. The foundation received 200,000 applications from around the world, which it whittled down to 100 finalists (50 men and 50 women) ā five of whom are profiled in the Web series.
So what makes someone volunteer to embark on this potential suicide mission?
The seriesā lone American candidate, 35-year-old Sue Ann Pien, a tech employee and avid rock climber from LA, credits a fearless sense of adventure and concern about our environmentās sustainability.
āFrom a very young age I looked around and said, āI want to make a difference,ā ā says Pien, whose parents worked in the aerospace industry. āHundreds of years down the road we have to be a space-faring civilization. Mars One gives us the opportunity to do that.
āI have that drive for adventure and I know what the risks are ā just like every time I go out to climb, I know what the risks are.ā
Facing a possible end date of her time on Earth, Pien has already started checking off a travel bucket list ā but the ticking timeline has also strained her relationship with her live-in girlfriend.
ā[She] cried when she first found out. Thereās plenty of times when sheās just like, āFā you, why am I even with you?ā Weāre going to try and take it as present-day as possible and do these amazing things,ā Pien says. āWeāre actually living our lives as if there is a limited amount of time left. So in a weird way, itās a blessing.ā
Our Favorite Martian

On Friday morning, I found out that my girlfriend is forwarding to the next round of Mars One. The Mars One candidacy endeavor is choosing 24 (extra) ordinary citizens of the earth to colonize the red planet. The goal is set for ten years. Round Three has whittled its applicants down to 100 from over 200,000 forward thinking space lovers. This Dutch non-profit organization is working to perpetuate our species & raise awareness by advancing the human race to inhabit outer space. Theyāre pushing the envelope. Theyāre also pushing my patience, as sheās in line for a āone-way ticketā to Mars.
When I first met Sue Ann, I think she mentioned outer space in her OKCupid dating profile. I specifically remember asking her if she was an āastronomerā. Her ambiguous answer was āgood guessā. Ever east coast me thought she was an astronomer, or at least working in the space industry. Donāt we all suffer from living in our own realities, expecting others to behave the way we do? To speak the same language? If someone asked me that question, and I was not an astronomer, well, I would have said so. Itās important to pay attention to those small details when first dating someone. The Mars thing may have been a red flag for the average person, but not for me!
For the life of Riley, I can not remember if she disclosed anything about Mars One in the early days of our oh-so-slow courtship. Maybe she did, and the info went the way of much of my short term memory ā details erased as a result of my pre-sober fondness for Xanax. Or perhaps the early info didnāt register? You donāt usually have to discuss permanently leaving earth as part of that early ālet-me-get-to-know-youā story swapping dance.
Weād been dating for a few months when she received her Round Two acceptance letter. I do remember it was on December 30, 2013. It caused the biggest ruckus in my little world. As a person with an affinity for choosing unavailable lovers, this one took the cake (and I have been the queen of seven layer cakes). Mars? One-way ticket?? Are you fāing kidding me??? Much energy, oodles of tears, arguments galore & the eventual surrender is what my process has been.
Part of the reason we traveled for two months, bucket-list style, is because Sue Ann is taking this very seriously, checking off her dreams one by one. Her project site 10YearsOnEarth is all about the things sheād like to accomplish & experience before leaving earth. Itās a question to put out to everyone. What might you do if you knew you only had ten years left, on your planet, with your loved ones & friends? How might you spend your time? How different would your world look?
One thing she forgets is Iāll be there, at the goodbye ceremony, with a lasso & a potato sack! Hereās where speaking different languages lands in my favor. I confess my intentions, and she laughs. She doesnāt think Iāll actually kidnap her before she steps into any rocket ship and soars off to the land of deadly radioactivity, sub sub-zero temperatures, no oxygen, no sunshine, no food ā ācept some bugs and ship grown horticulture. She often invites me to come! I duly decline. Last night, she actually suggested I submit for the next Mars One go-around. When we were in Bali this past October, she submitted us for the Virgin Galactic Spaceflight trip, along with two of her best friends. Fortunately for me, the ship exploded and I was off the hook! Selfish, selfish me, not thinking of mankind, just my own happiness here on planet earth.
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Sue Ann Pien and Cynthia Catania are a married creative team based in Los Angeles with decades of experience between them in the music and entertainment industries. They sometimes get tricked into giving their sneaky dog Emma two bones in the morning when they wake in stages.
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The Gender Pay Gap Shortchanged My Single Mom
I was raised by a single working mom employed in the aerospace industry during the 80s and 90s. We lived modestly and she made ends meet. She saved enough money to put a down payment on a condo and moved the two of us out of our apartment when I was eight.
Then, the layoffs hit her company.
She came home distressed one day. Witnessing her colleagues’ layoffs frightened her. She wouldn’t be able to pay our mortgage or support me if she was let go. Her meager salary didn’t afford a nest egg to catch us.
That same day, I received an invitation letter from John Hopkins University to enroll for further testing. They were impressed by my high scores and straight-As in junior high. I was ecstatic. Nobel Peace Prize winners are created there.Besides that, my education had always been my mom’s top priority and I showed my appreciation by doing well in school.
My 13-year-old naivety expected her to be proud when she saw the letter. Instead, she distractedly waved me away asking to be left alone. In tears, I tore up the letter and never brought it up again. A couple years later, the effects of those layoffs became evident in our lives. My mom re-married to counteract the financial insecurity of a single-income household and I ended up having four different high schools. ‘Upset’ is a mild descriptor for my teenage angst during those upheavals.
The Dollar Gap
Recent studies show women are paid 78 cents to their male counterpart’s dollar. Worse, if the woman is of color or LGBT. That becomes a minimum $10,876 difference in earnings per year, or broken down by purchasing power (according to the National Women’s Law Center):
- Five monthsā supply of groceries $3,161.50
- Three monthsā rent and utilities $1,950
- Three monthsā child care payments $2,550
- Four monthsā health insurance premiums $1,472
- Four monthsā student loan payments $1,308
- Seven tanks of gas $434.50
In other words, enough to float my mom and I until she landed back on her feet.
Changing Times
Historic arguments for the gender pay gap pointed to sole male breadwinners requiring extra income to support their non-working family members. This no longer applies to the modern workforce or family. Unfortunately, women’s salaries have yet to catch up to this reality.
Today, if my wife and I were to consider children, we would be at an economic disadvantage statistically. Knowing these odds are against me has me fight harder when I’m working. I have to be ‘x’ times smarter, more productive, and industrious than the next person to make a decent wage.
The Solution
As much as we’d like to believe in the motto “work hard and rewards will come”, we do not operate in meritocracies. The salary or promotion of one person oftentimes lies in arbitrary circumstances outside our achievements. Women require the support of our male colleagues to close this gap – especially those with daughters, sisters, or single mothers themselves. It’s a team effort between the sexes. Here are a few organizations leading the cause:
LeanIn.org: “Focused on encouraging women to pursue their ambitions, and changing the conversation from what we canāt do to what we can do.” Use #LeanInTogether on social media.
50/50 Pledge: “The 50/50 Pledge aims to support women from across the various roles and industries that make up the broader Technology and Startup landscape by matching them with the technology industryās best events.” Speak up, women!
Women Leaders | Coaching and Female Executive Training: “The Leader’s Edge provides leadership development and personalized coaching to enhance women’s effectiveness as senior leaders. We are passionately dedicated to the growth and advancement of executive and high-potential women ā our goal is to help them take on greater roles within their organizations and to excel in the top tier of leadership.”
Not Convinced?
Studies show women led companies and mixed gender founders add up better financially. Read on:
New Data Shows Women Led Companies Are Better: “After analysing 10 years of data covering 300 companies and 600 founders they discovered that startup teams with at least one female founder performed 63% better than all male teams.”
Case Closed: Women Do Make Teams Smarter: “Teams that include women significantly outperform male-dominated teams. So why not use technology to eliminate gender bias when hiring?”
There’s plenty more research if you or your company genuinely care to close the gender wage gap and maximize your revenue potential. It will require a conscious effort from the players in top tier decision-making levels. So, if you’re in the C-suite, take a look around – is anything missing?
Meet Sue Ann Pien of Monolid Productions in Eastside
Today weād like to introduce you to Sue Ann Pien.
So, before we jump into specific questions about the business, why donāt you give us some details about you and your story.
The way I see life is, weāre all here on this little adventure in our human spacesuit. We know we wonāt be here forever, but thereās some space and time to fill out the in between part. From a very young age, I never fit in. I could never force myself to do what convention says to do, for the sake of doing it, because the nagging feeling that to do that would be a waste of the life Iāve been given was always present. I didnāt want to waste this chance to dive in, explore, and play at life as if this is my one shot as Sue Ann Pien in all eternity.
I think people forget about that ā the fact that nobody else will ever be able to go through life the way they uniquely can, and that THERE IS NO WRONG WAY TO GO ABOUT IT. Our life is our masterpiece as artists, and some people might like it, others might not, but it doesnāt really matter, as long as we expressed ourselves to our truest and honest ability ā when we hold back, weāre the only ones who know something is off, and the world then misses a very important piece of the kaleidoscopic artwork weāre all making together here on Earth.
Thatās probably why actingās been my calling from a super young age ā because it allows me to dive in and explore all aspects of humanity, some that Iām not allowed to do IRL. I actually like those roles best ā the scary, strange, upsetting parts that also lend realness to what we experience in human living. My philosophy on exploration actually goes beyond just what I do as an actor ā it also goes into my choices in life.
A few years ago, I decided to sign up for a one-way journey to Mars with the non-profit company Mars One. Space exploration is a passionate hobby of mine Iāve held since childhood, as I come from a family of aerospace workers and grew up seeing real live rockets at my momās open house and listening to black hole theories from my aspie engineer dad. I still believe itās a way for us to move beyond the small-mindedness of greed, scarcity, and power struggles we have today on the planet: once we open the cosmos weāre going to change the consciousness of what it means to be a human being in an irreversible way. Weāll understand thereās so much more growing and learning to do, and that weāre barely beginning to understand what possibilities lie ahead.
The big stuff excites me, and I have theories about this ā Iāve been using the filmmaking medium to explore and communicate intense ideas that can transform the way people think and Iām developing a sci-fi storyline that does the same for how we think about ourselves if we go forward into the cosmos to plant new life on various star systems. Eventually, we will become the aliens, if we arenāt them already (quantum / time travel theories)ā¦
Iāve been lucky to have an incredible life where Iāve moved past the internal voices that tell me Iām not supposed to do something I feel drawn to because I need to live a life that fits the mold. The more I break through these voices, the more Iām able to create what Iām truly called to do, and ultimately, the happier I am. I believe when weāre passionately living the life weāre designed to live, and have joy, it subconsciously grants others that same energy to choose a life theyād love to live. And ultimately, that will lead to more happiness to our species as a whole. Unhappy people tend to cause others more unhappiness, and vice versa.
Recently, I started a band with some friends to take out my frustration, joys, and angst about anything in life through the expression of melodic sound. Itās been cathartic. Weāre called Widowās Weeds and we actually just played a live show, and weāll be playing another show on St. Patrickās Day (March 17th) at The Hotel Cafe with my wife Cynthia Catania headlining ā come check us out!
Weāre always bombarded by how great it is to pursue your passion, etc ā but weāve spoken with enough people to know that itās not always easy. Overall, would you say things have been easy for you?
It hasnāt been a smooth road at all and I think thatās okay because thatās what makes it all worthwhile. If everything is great all the time, then Iād forget that the good times shouldnāt be taken for granted, and that I have a lot in life to be thankful for today because thereās been insanely bad moments Iāve had to go through this lifetime. Painful experiences from my childhood led me to make unwise decisions that created more pain throughout my teenage years and my 20s. I was suicidal by the time I was 15 and ended up in a hospital on a respirator because I tried to kill myself. By the time I was 19, I was arrested for felony possession with intent to sell ecstasy pills. If it wasnāt for a few intense experiences in my life, including a near-death experience, the complete abstinence from drugs and alcohol, and these leadership trainings called Worldworks that built a foundation for me to realize I can make a difference in other peopleās lives, Iād probably not be alive today.
I think the worst is now behind me, only because the person Iāve grown into has so much more ability to handle all the stuff life gives us. I was never taught how to handle lifeās challenges in a healthy way, and Iāve had to really find out for myself the best way to make it through the more harrowing moments of becoming an adult. Iāve been in therapy and thatās been a lifesaver, because thereās so much stigma against anything which requires a psychologist in the Chinese community. There are vicious fights that nobody talks about behind closed doors, while families simply ice out another member of the family pretending everything is still okay ā nobody stops to think, āthis is some unhealthy relational behavior that weāre passing down to the next generation, maybe we should go to a couplesā counselor, or seek therapy for these issuesā. Iām breaking these cycles of pain by healing all this trauma through outside help so that I donāt cause others unnecessary suffering or hardship. In fact, I have to do this healing if Iād like to be in a healthy relationship ā either with my co-workers, my friends, my band, or my wife.
I think as a young person, thereās a lot of bravado when we venture forth ā whether itās choosing a field that seems impossible or crazy to make a living in (like acting), or simply falling in love. We put our heart and souls into it, and I think thatās what creates a lot of quick success easily when weāre in our 20s. That was true for me at least ā I had walked into my first agency with no experience, and just said I really wanted representation (Q Model Management) and I remember sitting there chatting with the agent (who was really interviewing me) and just blah blah blah-ing about nothing in particular, but feeling really good about what I had to say. It was enough for her to take me on as a client, and before I knew it, I had booked my second audition ever, which was a national commercial that made me SAG eligible. Thatās an unreal feeling to get exactly what you aim for and I thought that was the norm then. I walked into every audition after that thinking itād be just as easy to book, and, of course ā that wasnāt the case.
This was over 10 years ago, and what Iāve learned is nothing will be a shortcut to doing the work of whatever craft / career / vision / goal weāve chosen in our lifetimes. NOTHING. You can be really good looking, but youāll reach a point where that can only get you so far. You can come from famous parents or be born into it, but thatās very easy to then fuck up. You can have all the money in the world but no talent or passion. Or you can have all the talent in the world, but no discipline or commitment to show up consistently. And thereās a lot of misconception about the life of an actor and itās taken me over 10 years to fully submit myself to the work, study, focus, and appreciation of this amazing art form Iāve chosen as a career. Iāve spent many years escaping this work but Iāve always had to come back to it, and Iām finally now in a place where I do it because I love it, and nothing else can trump that ā not whether I get a role I really want, or make money at it (which is very nice when I do), or when Iām just tired of the auditioning merry-go-round.
Thatās why itās important to have so much more grounding in life elsewhere when one acts, because the gravity of a full life outside of the business side of acting is whatās going to keep you centered when everything is unstable. Iāve seen friends go from barely scraping by one week to suddenly landing a series regular role, and then people who had the bells and whistles have to go back to another form of earning income ā nothing is guaranteed when youāre an actor. I think thatās why the other parts of making movies has become very enticing for me in recent years ā especially directing. There was a lot of freedom to create something from scratch, using my full network of talented friends in a way that made the final outcome bigger than any of us individually. Thatās been really rewarding, and Iām lucky to have directed two music videos I got to cast and come up with the concept for myself. The next move is writing my own scripted material that can turn all of it into a creative dream maker of sorts, where my visions just become moving pictures I use to explain what I see to an audience that wants to view it.
So letās switch gears a bit and go into the Monolid Productions story. Tell us more about the business.
Thereās been casting directors in Los Angeles that have silently watched me grow up in their audition rooms, moving from one decade of life to the next with me. Thatās a strange feeling I never knew Iād have ā a sense of pride that Iāve been able to stay at my craft for as long as I have, and still feel a sense of elation when I act. I began at a time when there werenāt many Asian people being casted, and I still remember my agent being hesitant to represent me because of the lack of breakdowns for Asian people. Times have changed, although weāre still vastly underrepresented in the American film world, we now at least have a presence and can expect lead roles to come our way.
Iāve also had very unexpected twists and turns in my journey publicly, because my outside interest in space has garnered a lot of media attention when I was chosen as one of the original Mars One 100 candidates. This was a strange moment in my life, because I saw the possibility of where my life could go, and what purpose it can serve. I guess thatās what also makes me the actor I am, when I begin to live in my charactersā possibilities (and there are infinite ones us humans can choose from), I can truly create the entire lifetime of that world and make it seem so real. I guess some people would call it method acting, but Iāve always been curious about other peopleās lives, and would make elaborate storylines to match characters Iād inhabit temporarily just for fun, and be so committed to that person I now became. My best friend in high school used to say it was like watching a whole new person every year that went by ā I was a gangbanger one year, then I became a raver, but I mostly live easiest as a very intelligent nerd. Maybe itās the Aspergers side of my family that comes into play thereā¦
Has luck played a meaningful role in your life and business?
Everything is connected, and there are no coincidences. That being said, Iāve experienced some of the most unbelievable āluckā when Iāve directed my music videos. This last one is a PJ Harvey cover of āDown By the Waterā by The Secret Things that takes on the theme of a mother wanting to kill her obviously transgender child (the original song was also about filicide, but I got the intuitive hit to create it as a message showcasing the plight of transgender people).
As I was in pre-production, I met my DP Michael Khachadoorian while he was the only customer in Cindyās Diner in Eagle Rock where I work as a waitress. There was nobody else in the diner at the time, so we ended up having a conversation while he sat at the counter. When he told me he was a DP, I showed him my website and what I was about to direct, and he absolutely wanted to be involved. Iād find out that he had an aunt (who used to be an uncle), that he thought was very brave and wanted to honor as part of the theme of this music video. He is phenomenal, and a God-send. You can see the difference in camera work between my first music video āAll the Way Downā, where I had to carry the camera all by myself as I directed, to āDown By the Waterā where it just looks so freakinā expensive. We had, like a nothing budget. Iām very grateful for all the friends that came together to make this happen ā I mean, none of it was something Iād be able to do, unless Iām a wizard, and Iām not. This is what we call Higher Power.
I live by the principle now that if something is meant to happen, nothing I can do will make it happen faster or ruin it ā and if something is not meant to happen, nothing I can do can make it so and that thereās an element of protection in every case of rejection I encounter. Itās been working out very well to live this philosophy thoroughly.
The Ugliness of Childhood (My Molestation Story)
My body began to tell a story my mind stopped comprehending long ago and I felt my mouth move as if on its own saying the words, āI didnāt do anything wrong, I shouldnāt have to feel this shame or be silent.ā The rage and sorrow welled. Then revulsion began to rise and exit me in heaves of sobs, gagging me, as the poison of his secrets found their way out of my body. It was like breathing for the first time ever. My breaths catching nourishing oxygen in places that have never received this airāāāand for a moment, I glimpse the expanse of freedom that awaits.
This is the story of my childhood molestationāāāof a man who was trusted to watch and care for me (and other young girls) and his betrayal of that trust. He was a substitute teacher in his job, and what he did to me that day would shape and form much of the lonely, regretful, lovely, and broken woman I grew up to be. In letting this secret go, Iām allowing my healing to finally take place decades after having my first non-consensual sexual experience at 7 years old with a 40-something year old grown man.
The shock of that day tremors through me still, sometimes with a therapist, and sometimes unexpectedly. Like the first time I read that script about a mom with a young daughter molested by a family friend. I was asked to audition for the role of that mother, but upon finishing the script I began dry heaving and sobbing uncontrollably, unable to stop my bodyās violent reactions. My conscious mind was unable to understand what was happeningāāāafter all, the molestation occurred only once in my memory, and happened over 30 years ago. But this reaction lasted days. Nearly 4 years after I took my last sip of alcohol and after much hard work to build a life I could be proud of, I felt like everything was falling apart from within. In therapy, Iād learned the emotions were coming up now because my life finally had stability, a safety that I never could grasp until now. My body, the keeper of long-forgotten oaths, felt safe enough to purge the toxicity hidden away by the younger me, who couldnāt find safety to express the danger she was in and the violation she felt.
For the next year after that script broke that inner dam of secrecy, Iād experience the trauma my little 7 year old self was never able to. Iād finally learn where my uncleansable shame came from and how all my efforts to look perfect on the outside couldnāt hide the depth of ugliness I felt on the inside. Those sobs shook loose hideous pain and rage that are now finding release through these words.
I was certain Iād made peace with itāāāquietly accepting that there will be no consequences to his actions, telling myself that it wasnāt that bad compared to how awful some other types of violent rape and childhood sexual abuse can be and because he was also a sexual abuse survivor I had to find a way to forget about what happened.
His awkward attempts at apologizing for what he did just made him seem soā¦disabled. At 7, I felt bad for himāāāthis stunted man-child who didnāt have the social acumen for adult friends, with his one glass eye that was a replacement for his real eye shot out by the other kids in his youth with a bee bee gun. I felt somehow responsible to forgive him and his awful actions because I was smart enough at 7 years old, a gifted student, to know this was someone who had suffered a lot at the hands of others and now, unfortunately, has become the cause of my own suffering. His guilt and inability to control his unhealed urges made me feel bad for him. My disassociation made it seem as if my own experience of what happened didnāt matter, and anything that was personal to me had to cease to exist in order to appease his all encompassing need of me. It was survival because I was in danger.
I felt gross and awkward, just like him, whenever he tried to talk to me afterwards. Like somehow I caused this violation where I was robbed of my innocence, purity, and power to choose how my body got turned on at 7, and bad that I couldnāt talk about what he did because I was somehow implicitly also at cause. Days after he touched me, I asked the Magic 8 Ball āWill Charlie go to hell for what he did?ā, while he laid on the couch pretending to be asleep. In my naivety not knowing that an adult can pretend to be asleep and listen to a child talk I voiced that question out loud . He heard me and later would come find me to say he was sorry if he had hurt me. Whenever he spoke to me afterwards I would freeze and be unable to speak or look at him, as if I was a blind and deaf mute. I always felt trapped. Trapped the way I couldnāt move and couldnāt talk just like when I couldnāt get away from his big giant body, that was so oppressive next to my skinny little frame on that awful cat piss smelling couch; me feigning sleep as my only means of escape as his fingers kept crawling into my shorts.
Today, I saw a version of me that screamed, and cried, shoved him away, punched him, ran out the door and yelled for help while my mom took him to the cops so that he couldnāt do that to me ever or any other little girl. The guilt is overwhelming. I did none of that. I couldnāt. I was in shock. This was an adult who showed interest in who I was as a child, taking me to the magic shop to buy new tricks I was learning because I was going to be a magician. He was one of usāāāand we, the children, all loved him because he paid attention to us and our interests in a way that other adults didnāt do (sometimes not even our own parents). So I laid there, frozen, pretending to be asleep, trying to give him hints to please not touch me in that way, that it will ruin something good and wonderful forever. He didnāt stop, so I had to leave my body because it was too painful and to this day, my body has the same reaction to sex, when Iām making loveāāāit starts to shut down, freezes, and tells me to fall asleep. I am smothered. I canāt breathe. Iām on the other side of the room. Out the door. On a plane. The sadness of all those who loved me.
But in the darkness, where this secret has been kept, in the darkness of the acts Iāve committed with the demons of others, amidst hazes of drugs and drunken stupor, I experienced what I can only imagine untouched normal people get to have when they have sex. That choice for sexual contact has never really been mine. At times, it belonged to the much older men I should never have given myself toāāādecrepit and disgusting, turned on in the way Charlie probably felt; excited at my complete indefensibility as my 16 year old, 18 year old, 22 year old, 24 year old, 28 year old body kept searching for truth by replaying out the secret past over and over again. Compulsive. Powerless. Ashamed. And sometimes my body is just taken from me because I lack the consciousness to move it away, safely. My throat closes, I cannot speak, I freeze, and pretend I am sleeping again. So I floatāāāabove it all, for years on end, Iāve floated in and out of the landscape of other peopleās desires as they collide on the borderless country of my body.
At 7 years old, I lost a voice that I would not regain for many decades. Still second-guessing myself, and feeling like a bad person for talking about him, because anyone in my momās college circles would know who this man is and his fall would be complete if it hadnāt happened already. A therapist asked me to track him down so she can report him and make sure he is no longer around young children, especially as a teacher. I began crying when she asked me at the time and also as I write now because I couldnāt do it then and I donāt think I can do it now. I am not courageous or healed enough to confront himāāāand I may never be; and I cry because I do not want any other young children to lose themselves to this man, the way I lost myself as an adult struggling to combat the failed relationships, intimacy problems, poor choices and self-destructive compulsions, sexual dysfunction, and lack of trust of humans because an adult who should have cared for me betrayed me. There is guilt because I couldnāt be honest the one time I was asked if anything bad happened with Charlie, and when I was finally able to say it, I was met with denial, disgust, and negation from my primary caretakerāāātelling me that if it did happen, it must never be spoken of again. And so I held my breath and died a slow death.
This shame and burden I carried for over 30 years was never mine to begin with. I believed I was a disgusting person and when I was finally able to tell the one person I loved and trusted the most of what happened, her unmasked rejection of me drove the point home. If you are reading this, and you have gone through something similar, or if you are taking care of someone who is, please know there is nothing bad, ugly, or wrong about you (or your loved one who was sexually abused)āāāyou are as clean as the white snows of Christmas in Norway, and you deserve to sing with the abandon of an angel in Godās choir. May your life find serenity from your most painful truths in the darkness.
Iāve met the ghosts of other women like myself, perpetually frozen in youth, half-thawed, frightened, beautiful, and oftentimes incorrigibly sexyāāāthe way I once was, looking for the answer in unfulfilling sex and romanceāāāand I want to save them. I want to tell them they are worthy of love. Of their own forgiveness. Of kindness and compassion from others. That they can be free to express their true selves, even when itās not sexyāāāand theyāll be worthy. Itās okay to be imperfect and to be loved unconditionally. That the light will come to them when they are ready, and when it does, it will fill in all the stolen missing pieces of their soul, making them whole and good again.





